{"id":4218,"date":"2012-05-16T09:00:19","date_gmt":"2012-05-16T13:00:19","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.qwoc.org\/?p=4218"},"modified":"2012-05-16T09:00:19","modified_gmt":"2012-05-16T13:00:19","slug":"the-d-word-breaking-the-silence-about-depression-in-queer-poc-communities","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/test.qwoc.org\/?p=4218","title":{"rendered":"The D Word: Breaking the Silence about Depression in Queer POC Communities"},"content":{"rendered":"

Originally posted at\u00a0In Truth and Light<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n

recently a friend of mine posted something to the effect of how LGBT POC\u2019s needed to speak up about the realities of depression in our lives. i\u2019ve been thinking about it for the last few weeks, as i have been battling my own \u201cdemons.\u201d the season doesn\u2019t help either; short and cold days mixed in with holidays that are suppose to be \u201cthe most wonderful time of the year\u201d only throw me deeper into this state of \u201cwtf?\u201d<\/p>\n

i\u2019m a positive person. and for many in my circle of family and friends, i\u2019m considered \u201cthe life of the party.\u201d when i have shared with people that i suffer from depression their first reaction is \u201creally?\u201d which has often left me to keep silent about it because i don\u2019t want to be seen as anything but that \u201chappy self.\u201d god forbid i should say that sometimes it gets bad enough that i have to take medication to \u201clevel me out.\u201d and when you add that piece to the mix you are then seen as unstable to many and if it\u2019s on your life \u201crecord\u201d and you decide to apply to certain jobs, your ass is shit outta\u2019 luck \u2019cause well\u2026 \u201cyou just might GO crazy.\u201d it is after all, the thinnest line.<\/p>\n

culturally, it\u2019s a taboo. as Dominicans and Puerto Ricans immediately will categorize you as \u201ccrazy.\u201d they don\u2019t necessarily believe in going to talk to someone about your problems either. and don\u2019t you dare mention medication. i mean, that just puts you on the sidelines for good. my behavior changes when i\u2019m feeling this way. i find myself sleeping more and disconnecting myself from loved one because i don\u2019t want them to see me like this. because i don\u2019t want to \u201cchange the image\u201d they have of me<\/p>\n

i\u2019m a happy person. it\u2019s just that sometimes i\u2019m not.<\/p>\n

i would be the first to encourage a loved one to seek help, to trust that things will get better, to believe that whatever it is they are going through is \u201cmomentarily.\u201d and when i am going through it myself, i keep repeating those same words. intellectually, i understand that \u201cthis too shall pass.\u201d<\/p>\n

but it\u2019s in the moment that this shit is toughest.<\/p>\n

it\u2019s in the moment where your thoughts take over. in the night time when the silence is loudest, all you can feel and hear and see is a fucking desire to just disappear. because you believe that in the absence of you, the rest of the shit that weighs you down will somehow disappear as well. that maybe, you become free of the shit that you carry if you\u2019re no longer around.<\/p>\n

and you look for places to find encouragement. reading quotes. quoting scripture. talking to a friend. finding ways to find ways out of your own self is a conscious fight we must make.<\/p>\n

i can\u2019t tell you what the root of my depression is. i can tell you the many places in my life where i feel unaccomplished. alone. sad. hopeless. helpless. i don\u2019t know if this shit is nature or nurture. i just know it is. i have dealt with it throughout my lifetime. and yes, there have been days when i didn\u2019t want to deal with it and i thought about other options. it is difficult to wake up to our respective realities some times.<\/p>\n

yes, i know that there are people who have it worse. but i compare myself to no one. i am carrying my own weight.<\/p>\n

i agree with my friend that we must speak out more about this. it helps to know that we are not alone. it helps to talk it out with others in similar situations.<\/p>\n

i know that this will pass.<\/p>\n

but for the moment\u2026 it sits with me. breathes with me. sleeps with me. and weighs on me. and i walk with it.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

“I can\u2019t tell you what the root of my depression is. I can tell you the many places in my life where i feel unaccomplished. Alone. Sad. Hopeless. I know that there are people who “have it so much worse.” But i compare myself to no one. I am carrying my own weight.”…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":13,"featured_media":4219,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[17,25],"tags":[332,595,624,680,766],"class_list":["post-4218","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-featured-blogs","category-health-and-wellness","tag-depression","tag-latinos","tag-lgbt","tag-mental-health-awareness-month","tag-people-of-color"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/test.qwoc.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4218","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/test.qwoc.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/test.qwoc.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/test.qwoc.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/13"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/test.qwoc.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=4218"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/test.qwoc.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4218\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/test.qwoc.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/4219"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/test.qwoc.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=4218"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/test.qwoc.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=4218"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/test.qwoc.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=4218"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}